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How To Make A Woman Happy

HOW TO MAKE A
Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Bring Booze

,_.___ .

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Condom Slogans

1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie 4) When in doubt shroud you spout 5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong 7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize 11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12) If you go into heat, package your meat 13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis 14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse 15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18) The right selection, is to protect your erection 19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil 20) A crank with armor, will never harm her 21) If you really love her, wear a cover 22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake 23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener 24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket 25) No glove, no love 26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye 27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver 28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax 29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt 30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown 31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam 32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed 33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink 34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground 35) Cloak the joker before you poke her 36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch 37) Cape your throbber before you bob her 38) After detection sheath your erection 39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate 40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser 41) Cover that lumber before you pump her 42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle 43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle 44) House your noodle then release your strudel 45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound 46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey 47) Cage that snake then shake and bake 48) Cover your peter it will be much neater 49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore 50) It's always funky to cage your monkey 51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy 52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb 53) It's not much money to catch your honey 54) Don't be a fool cover your tool 55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch 56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche 57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool 58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive 59) Contain that sputum before you use him 60) Restrain your log then plow her bog 61) Glove your pecker before you check her 62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her 63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize) 64) Cover old pete then grind her meat 65) Guard your peter before you meet her 66) Check your list before you tryst 67) Wrap your bate before you mate 68) Can your worm before you squirm 69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe 70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard 71) Bag the mole then do her hole 72) Cuff your carrot before you share it 73) Jail your number then call the plumber 74) Cover your vein then drive her insane 75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle 76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink 77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern 78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry 79) Wrap that spout then bore her out 80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain 81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge 82) Shroud your trout then make her shout 83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky 84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers 85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout 86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel 87) Cover your steamer before you ream her 88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish 89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass 90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret 91) Clothe the boner before you hone her 92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection! 93) Cork your pump or you don't hump 94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs 95) Dress that erection to make a deflection 96) Contain that shanker before you spank her 97) Cap that seeder before you breed her 98) Stop the stream before you cream 99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder 100) Protect your screw to catch that glue 101) Package your meat for a real neat treat 102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun 103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her 104) Garage the tractor then attack her 105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her 106) Sock that wanger before you bang her 107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser 108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good 109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke 110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate 111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate 112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates 113) Catch that goat before it bloats 114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen 115) Restrain your hammer then wham bam her

116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk 117) Wrap that rod then please her bod 118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife 119) House that bottle then mash her throttle 120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash 121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle 122) Can your knob then throb her swab 123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug 124) Cover your limb before you swim 125) Retain your bailer then impail her 126) Rope your dope then make some soap 127) Net your salamander then make salad in her 128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper 129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds 130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft 131) Cover your stone before you bone 132) House your hose then curl her toes 133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass 134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch 135) Shield your rocks then pond her box 136) Cover old sly then do her dry 137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail 138) Glove your chimney before you come in me 139) If your nude tube your dude 140) Cloak your hitter then go split her 141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her 142) Can your spam then bam that mam 143) Corral your ram then slice her ham 144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver 145) Twist your wick then stick that prick 146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart 147) Shed old spot then do her slot 148) Drawer your pip then split her lips 149) Contain that leach then mash her peach 150) Bag your elm then take the helm 151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem 152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these 153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot 154) Survey your land then plant her stand 155) Before you drive her protect that diver 156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt 157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her 158) Cover you post then slice her roast 159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey 160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon 161) Contain that viper before you pipe her 162) Wrap your whopper, then go bop her 163) Protect your cock with the sock. 164) Slip it on before you slip it in. 165) Don't leave it to God, cover your rod. 164) Do a good deed, don't spill your seed. 165) Tub that sub then rub her hub 166) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen 167) Dam your giver then fill her quiver 167) Wrap your wang before you bang 168) instead of your dick use a stick 169) instead of a sticky make a quickie 170) jack that slacker then you can whack her 171) Wrap it before you tap it 172) Wrap your meat before you beat 173) Don't excrete, wrap your meat 174) If you take her to bed, protect your head 175) Pack it in plastic, it'll be fantastic 176) if you'r not Shaq O'neal you might as well wrap your real 177) You Cover before you shove her 178) Protect your meat before you cram it in her seat 179) Suit up your eel, before you make a deal 180) Cover your fluid-ray or you'll have to pay 181) Don't be a fool, wrap your tool 182) if you think shes spunky, cover your monkey! 183) Wrap it before you slap it 184) Conceal your mushroom shape before you part her beef drapes 185) Don't be uncertain protect yourself before entering her meat curtain 186) Cover your rock-o before sour creaming her taco 187) use a shield before you sew her field 188) Put on your hat before you give her a splat 189) cover your snitch before you ram the bitch 190) hide old nick, before you jab her ribs 191) Flag your pole 192) Before a late night wrap it up tight 193) don't have sex without latex 194) Cover Billy then make her silly 195) wear a helmet to go to war 196) wrap the cock let it drop 197) cover your meat and make some heat 198) wrap your stump before you hump 199) Cover your shooter, then shoot in her pooter 200) Garnish your beef, then dive her reef 201) Shield your funnel and engage her tunnel 202) Cover your mound, and prepare to pound 203) Sheath your blade, then give her the spade 204) Wrap your shaft before you break her in half 205) Roll your oat, then paddle her boat 206) Cover your yam then pound her ham 207) Armour the tank before you enter the flank 208) sWrap the goat before swimming in her moat 209) Leash your pet before launching your jet 210) Baton down the hatch before feeding her snatch 211) Chain the beast before presenting the feast 212) Before you tap it, wrap it 213) Cap your tinkle before you visit the fish wrinkle 214) Save her cunt, from shit loads of spunk! 215) Wrap your dill before you spill 216) Dont be a Fool, wrap your tool 217) Wrap that gator, no regrets later 218) Wrap your meat and get her in the sheets! 219) Don't forget the diaper when you're laying piper 220) when you nail her accsessorize your sailor 221) Put on a rubber before you sub her 222) Don't trust Jesus cover your penis 223) Dress him up before you mess her up 224) Holster your Pistol before you whip her 225) before you bang cover your wang 226) No matter what kind of meat you put in your sandwich you still have to wrap up your hoggie 227) Put a cover on yer hammer then ram her and ram her 228) Clothe the boner before you own her 229) Before you make a disaster put the saftey on your blaster 230) protect ur pole before u battle with the hole 231) No shirt, no flirt! 232) Wrap it before you tap it

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Can it really rain frogs?

When frogs fell from the sky in the book of Exodus, it was a sign of deep, deep trouble for biblical Egypt. And that was only plague No. 2 out of 10. If you've ever woken up to a few inches of frog carpet outside your door, you know it's not­ a pretty picture.

Of course, you probably haven't woken up to such a grisly scene. You probably haven't been driving around in a storm and had your car pelted with what you thought was hail but turned out to be frozen frogs. But other people have. While it's not the most common weather phenomenon in the world, it's not as rare as you might think. It happens all over the world, at least since the first century A.D. -- when the Roman naturalist known as Pliny the Elder described the event -- and as recently as 2005 in Serbia.
You might hear a report of raining frogs -- and other unexpected objects, some not even organic -- at least once a decade or so. Amphibious rain seems to be picking up in frequency. In the last 20 years, newspapers have found more opportunities than ever to write about frogs falling from the sky. For unknown reasons, Britain appears to be especially susceptible in recent years. The cause of frog rain in general is less mysterious, although still a bit of a brow-furrower at times. It's also just as gross as many of us imagine. That final scene in the 1999 film "Magnolia," which left most movie goers jaw-droppingly disgusted and a little impressed, is apparently a pretty accurate portrayal of the phenomenon, according to newspaper accounts.
In this article, we'll find out what's actually going on when frogs rain down and what happens when they fall from the sky. Incidentally, frogs aren't the most common creatures to accompany rain. You'll understand why when we look at the process of frog rain on the next page.But our first question is the most obvious one: How in the world do the frogs get up in the sky in the first place?

Frog Rain Causes: The Flight of the Amphibians

It's hard to get a good mental picture of frog­ rain that doesn't have Moses standing off in the distance. The biblical image of a slimy, surprising hail is tough to avoid. However, there's act­ually a pretty simple explanation for the whole thing: It involves whirlwinds and low-weight creatures­.
­­­­Frogs can weigh as little as a few ounces. But even the heavier ones are no match for a watery tornado, or a waterspout, as it's called when a whirlwind picks up water. The series of events that can lead to frog rain go something like this:
­­­A small tornado forms over a body of water. This type of tornado is called a waterspout, and it's usually sparked by the high-pressure system preceding a severe thunderstorm.­
As with a land-based tornado, the center of the waterspout is a low-pressure tunnel within a high-pressure cone. This is why it picks up the relatively low-weight items in its path -- cows,­ trailer homes and cars get sucked up into the vacuum of the vortex. But since a waterspout is over water and not land, it's not automobiles that end up caught in its swirling winds: it's water and sea creatures. ­
The waterspout sucks up the lower-weight items in the body of water as it m­oves across it. Frogs are fairly lightweight. They end up in the vortex, which continues to move across the water with the high-pressure storm clouds. When a particularly powerful storm hits land, the waterspout might go with it.When the storm hits land, it loses some of its energy and slows down. The pressure drops. Eventually, the clouds release the water they're carrying. As the rain falls, the vortex eventually loses all the pressure that's keeping it going, and it releases whatever it has picked up in its travels. Sometimes, this cargo includes frogs.­The end result is frog rain. Sometimes it's a few dozen frogs -- or a couple hundred or even thousands.

The Mystery Airship of 1896

Eighteen ninety-six was marked by a strange occurrence, an amazing phenomenon that those that saw it probably never forgot. People, by the thousands, living across North America, from San Francisco to Chicago, observed strange lights in the sky. The lights, reportedly an airship, crossed the continent from west to east while the country watched.

The excitement started on November 17, 1896 in Sacramento, California. It was a rainy, dismal night. Then, through the dark clouds, appeared a bright light. It moved slowly west appearing to be about a thousand feet above the rooftops. Hundreds of people saw the light including George Scott, an assistant to the Secretary of State of California. Scott persuaded some friends to join him on the observation deck above the capitol dome and from there they thought they could see three lights, not one. Above the lights was a dark, oblong shape.

The most detailed report of the evening came from one R.L. Lowery, a former street railway employee who said he heard a voice from above call, "Throw her up higher; she'll hit the steeple." When he looked up he saw two men seated on a bicycle-like frame, peddling. Above them was a "cigar-shaped body of some length." Lowery said that the thing also had "wheels at the side like the side wheels on Fulton's old steam boat."

The story was in the newspapers the next day :

-----------------------------------

CLAIM THEY SAW A FLYING AIRSHIP

-----------------------------------

Strange Tale of Sacramento Men Not Addicted to Prevarication

Viewed an Aerial Courser as it Passes Over the City at Night.

-----------------------------------

What Was it?

-----------------------------------

The title "airship" soon stuck. Other papers were more reserved and reported a "mysterious light" or "wandering apparition." A few ridiculed the stories suggesting that the whole thing had been a hoax or the result of a natural effect like glowing swamp gas. The story soon faded.

An eyewitness sketch of the "airship" over Sacramento on November 17, 1896.

Then, five days after its first appearance, the "airship" came back.

It was Sunday night and weather conditions were as before: dark and overcast. The light appeared from the northwest and when straight over the town, running against the wind. One witness, Jacob Zemansky, had a small telescope and reported the lamp was "an electric arc light of intense power." He also observed that the light didn't move in a straight line, but seemed to bob in the wind up and down. Another witness with field glasses, Edward Carragher, reported seeing a dark body above the light.

It took thirty minutes for the thing to cross the city and disappear to the southwest. During this time thousands of people observed it including the city's deputy sheriff and a district attorney.

That same night the "airship" also appeared above San Francisco some 90 miles away. There it was observed by hundreds, including the mayor. It cruised as far as the Pacific Ocean, above the famous Cliff House, where its searchlight, a beam that stretched out over 500 feet, reportedly frightened the seals on Seal Rock sending them plunging into the safety of the sea.

Over the next few days airship sightings were made not just in California, but from as far away as Washington State and Canada. The newspapers went wild, some supporting the idea of an airship, some ridiculing it. Stories began to suggest that the airship was the work of a mysterious inventor who was testing his device at night lest his ideas be stolen. This didn't seem outrageous to most people. Balloons capable of carrying people had been around for almost a hundred years and it seemed that the key to powered flight might soon be discovered.

One San Francisco attorney, nicknamed "Airship" Collins, claimed that he was representing the eccentric and wealthy inventor who had constructed the thing at a secret location in Oroville, just sixty miles north of Sacramento. According to Collins the airship was 150 feet long, and could carry 15 passengers. "It was built on the aeroplane system and has two canvas wings 18 feet wide and a rudder shaped like a bird's tail," he told people, "I saw the thing ascend about 90 feet under perfect control." When the mysterious inventor never appeared Collins found himself the object of ridicule and he backed off his earlier claims.

Another San Francisco attorney took his place, though, claiming that there was not one airship, but two, and they would be used to bomb Havana. William Henry Hart, a former attorney general, stated, "From what I have seen of it I have not the least doubt that it will carry four men and 1,000 pounds of dynamite." Hart's airship never was made public either and by early December the lawyer, as well as the lights in the sky, had disappeared from the scene.

Everything was quiet for two months. Then, on February 2, 1897, the "airship" showed itself over the town of Hastings, Nebraska. On February 5th it was seen forty miles further south near the town of Invale. Reports started to flow in from all over the state. On February 16th it was sighted over Omaha. More stories appeared. A farmer claimed he'd encountered the airship on the ground, under repair. "It is cigar shaped, about 200 feet long and 50 feet across at the widest point, gradually narrowing to a point at both ends," the farmer said.

Soon the airship had been sighted all over the mid-west including in Texas, Kansas, Iowa and Missouri. More stories about encounters with the crew on the ground appeared. Finally in April the excitement reached it's zenith when the "airship" arrived in Chicago. On April 11th a photograph of the thing was reportedly taken, probably the first UFO photo in existence. Some experts pronounced the photo to be fake.

On April 15, near Kalamazoo, Michigan, there were reports that the airship had crashed and exploded. "They declare the report to have been like that of heavy ordnance and to have been immediately succeeded by a distant sound of projectiles flying through the air," a newspaper story proclaimed.

Despite this, airship sightings continued for a few more days. Some expected the thing to continue on to the east coast, but instead reports about it suddenly faded and by the end of April the flap was over.

So what was it? What was this thing that had apparently been seen by thousands of people across the west and mid-west? There were no airplanes then. The Wight Brothers didn't make their first, short flight till 1903. Neither did a working model of a powered dirigible, which airship descriptions most closely resemble, exist.

One likely culprit is the planet Venus. At the time the sightings started it was prominent in the sky. When the sightings stopped it was becoming increasingly less visible. Venus is the brightest object in the sky, except for the Sun and Moon, and under unusual atmospheric conditions can appear to move, blink, or look like multiple colored lights. It well may have been responsible for many of the reports.

What about the many stories with people meeting the crew or seeing the airship crash? It's hard for us to imagine, in our day and age of radio and television, how much a part of 19th century entertainment centered on the tall tale and the hoax. Journalistic hoaxes, even in the largest newspapers, were standard fare. Readers were expected to guess about which stories were true and which were fictional. Almost every small town had a "lair club" where tall tales were swapped. (Alexander Hamilton's famous "Cownapping" story came out of the airship flap). As a result of these two institutions almost any unusual tale in a 19th century newspaper can be in doubt.

In addition, as today, practical jokers did not hesitate to send balloons lighted with candles into the sky, or kites with lanterns, if they thought they could put one over on the public. Others may have created "crash" sites complete with debris. One newspaper, the Peoria Transcript, sent up lighted, colored, paper balloons to "test" people's imaginations. A number of "airship" sightings was the result.

So if we remove the misidentifications and hoaxes from the airship phenomenon is there anything left? Could it have been an extra-terrestrial spaceship? One of the most striking things about the airship flap was that almost none of the stories surrounding it have anything to do with extra-terrestial beings. (The story of a crash of a Mars airship at Aurora, Texas, was an exception). The airship was piloted by "plain" Americans and designed by the human mystery inventor.

So what about the final possibility? Was there really a mysterious inventor who secretly built an airship and flew it around the country? Certainly the public had been primed to accept such a story. Science fiction in this era often used the "mystery inventor" as a character. Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea featured a mystery inventor, Captain Nemo, who constructed a submarine. Verne's later book, Robur the Conqueror, featured a mystery inventor that built an airship and the similarities between the book and some of the airship stories are uncanny. Robur was published about ten years before the wave of airship sightings.

If there was a real airship genius why didn't he ever make his invention public? Could he have really kept the construction of a flying machine out of the press? Was he really ten years ahead of his contemporary inventors?

If he did exist he certainly was successful in hiding his secret. It remains unknown even today.